


Kepler

by Pax_Kerbalica



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Pre-Canon, Take My Headcanon From My Cold Dead Hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 03:43:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pax_Kerbalica/pseuds/Pax_Kerbalica
Summary: The Ares 3 crew has a chat about middle names. A certain sysop's will leave them all laughing.





	Kepler

“Watney, face it. Your naming skills suck.”

“Fuck you too, Martinez,” Watney deftly replied.

Yes, NASA astronaut training was hard. The process was essentially absolute misery, and one would think that the few who were bold or dumb enough to stick around would have essentially been dead inside. However, the astronauts of the future Ares 3 mission were not easily shaken.

After a training session that went off without a hitch, the Ares 3 astronauts were all in the NASA break room. It was a sparsely designed space, not unlike the old Mercury missions. The walls were a dull tan, and the single dim light at the center of the ceiling was all that brightened the room, other than the moods of the denizens.

“Watney, I say this as a friend,” Vogel replied. “One does not look at a red button with a built in LED, call it ‘Flashy McButtonFace’, and then claim they are good with naming skills.”

“Well I’d beg to differ,” Watney replied with his usual shit-eating grin.

Melissa Lewis, for her part, merely rolled her eyes. “Sometimes, I still wonder how you managed to pass the mental exams,” with an ever so slightly judgemental look on her face.

“C’mon, I’m sure someone thinks my naming skills are great! Beck? Johanssen?”

Beck’s look could best be summarized as ‘What type of fucking idiot do you take me for?’, in perhaps the most friendly way possible.

Johanssen, more or less simultaneously, snorted. “You sound like you have a Twitch chat directly integrated into your mouth. Not your brain, just your mouth.”

“Johanssen, I’d beg to differ-”

“No Martinez, Watney’s brain is fine. We wouldn’t be literally relying on him to keep us all alive in a year if he wasn’t. It’s just his mouth that has no filter.”

“C’mon, you all love me,” Watney claimed with a broad grin.

“Well, he’s got us there,” Beck replied, quickly glaring the rest of the crew.

Martinez, at this point, boldly continued the conversation.

“Watney, you are the type of person to spend five seconds naming a kid. From experience, I can tell you it normally takes months.”

“C’mon, I’m sure you can name a kid in five seconds. ”

“No. That’s how Mrs. Watney ends up naming her kid Mark ‘Shithead’ Watney”.

Watney, for once, said something more sane than the previous person. “Rick, why the _ fuck _ would you think that?”

“Dunno, seems like something you or your mom would name a child.”

“Rick. No. Just fucking no.”

“Well then Mark,” Beck chimed in. What _ is _your middle name?

“Perfectly badass. That’s what it is. Seraph. Basically god,” Watney proudly claimed with a smirk.

All it really did was get everyone else to chuckle a bit.

Commander Lewis was the first one to reply. “It sounds like a kid trying to be tough.”

“Commander, with all due respect,” Johanssen amended, “I think the would you’re looking for is ‘edgy’.”

At this point, Martinez was still snickering in a quiet, controlled manner.

“Well Rick,” Watney suggested, “if you think mine’s shit, what’s yours?”

“Jackson. Y’know, something that makes sense for a name?”

At this point, Watney was in full ‘fuck with everyone’ mode.

“Then, does that make Vogel’s Kaiser?”

Vogel didn’t even move from lying back in the chair.

“Mark, if you’re going to mock everyone, at least be creative,” he said, extending a hand out. “Mine is Karsten.”

“No worries. I’m 90 percent sure the commander’s is Rockhard.”

The resulting responses were mostly varying degrees of bewilderment, with the most passionate being Beck.

“Mark, what the actual FUCK-” was all Beck could get out before he tumbled off the small black chair he was sitting on, and on to the hard floor.

“Well, I mean she’s a badass and a geologist. It only seems natural.” At this point, even Watney was cackling maniacally. 

Of course, like responsible astronauts, the conversation stopped for a bit so Beck could at least not be stuck on the floor. With Johanssen’s help, he pulled himself up, and quickly got back into his chair. At which point, the Commander picked up right where they left off.

“Not even close. It’s Samantha.”

“C’mon, I was close!” Five resounding no’s were all that needed to be said in response.

“Well then, Beck’s is Bucky, right?”

Beck made a groan that pretty clearly indicated Watney had struck a nerve.

“No Mark. It is not Bucky. I’ve heard that joke for literal years, I don’t need you repeating it. It’s just Williams.”

“Heh. Well Johanssen’s a tricky one. But I think I have a really good one,” Watney claimed, with the brightest grin he wore all day.

“You think so? Bring it on,” the offending sysop challenged.

“So Johannes Kepler was the guy who discovered the laws of planetary motion, right?”

“Yes, you massive nerd,” exclaimed Martinez.

Watney had to stop the conversation there. “How the FUCK am I the nerd, when the queen of nerds is right there!?” he responded, gesturing ferociously to Johanssen. Johanssen just rolled her eyes in response.

“Well anyways, Johannes and Johannssen sound similar, right? So her middle name could be Kepler,” Watney concluded with a hearty chuckle. “Imagine, a middle name that’s both a pun, and a science reference!”

For a brief second, the room was still.  
Johanssen sat up in her chair, confusion quickly appearing on her face. “Alright. Beck, when did you tell him?”

Beck quickly turned to face her, visibly confused. “I didn’t tell him.”

“Bullshit,” Johanssen responded. “You must have told him. All I’m asking is when.”

“Wait a minute,” Watney inquired, standing up. “That’s still just a fucking guess. Is your middle name actually Kepler?”

At this point, the conversation stopped for a brief moment, with everyone looking at the resident sysop. One second later, her silent response was glancing away with a light blush. It only took another second for chaos to erupt.

“Johanssen, What the _ fuck _-”

“Holy shit-”

“Wow, I-”

“I told you they’d be hysterical about-”

“Wow. That’s actually not bad.”

It didn’t take long before both Watney and Martinez were on the floor, absolutely laughing their hearts out. Even Vogel and Lewis were both having a hearty laugh, with Beck joining in as well. Johanssen was, at this point, contemplating hiding in the corner and pretending like this had never happened. Watney was the first to talk to her.

“Don’t worry Beth. Like I said, a pun and a science reference is a pretty fucking good middle name.”

“I’ll be honest,” Rick intervened, “It’s actually a pretty good name. Better than Mister My-Middle-Name-Is-God over there.”

“Hey!”

Johanssen, in return, looked back towards her friends and finally lifted her head up.

“For the record, the name came from one of my uncles. My parents had no influence whatsoever on that.”

“Alright. Sure, _ Kepler _.”

Johanssen couldn’t help but groan in response.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I built this entire fic centered around my headcanon for Johanssen's middle name. Take it from my cold dead hands.


End file.
